Shake the Disease by Depeche Mode

 

Shake the Disease – Depeche Mode (lyrics by Martin L. Gore)

 

As I’ve said before, music and the poetic nature of the lyrics has always been critical in my life.  I need it.  I have been a fan of Depeche Mode for decades.  I have seen them on every tour since Songs of Faith and Devotion.  I’ve already warned my partner that when they go back on tour again, I will be FRONT AND CENTER.  More than once.  

 

Hell, I may become a crazy, stalker groupie and follow them around the damn world.  My fake ID was under the name Victoria Gahan.  Come on Dave!  Martin?  Any interest over here?  I promise not to get arrested, that should be sufficient, right?  Being AuDHD means I want to know ALL OF THE RULES so I know how to bend them.  It’s a fine line, brother, but ima walk it.  

 

I had the lyrics to Shake The Disease written down on a piece of paper and taped to my bedroom wall.  It hit me hard.  It resonated.  So fiercely.  This may need to be my next Karaoke song actually.  

 

I have always felt misunderstood.  I never knew why.  I do not understand why some people “don’t need labels” because when I finally acknowledged the diagnosis of AuDHD it all clicked.  It made sense.  So wait, that’s why I’m this way?  That’s why I have had such a hard time with things?  

 

Why was it that this particular song is the first song I decided to actually write down on paper and display in my childhood bedroom?  And these were the days before you had these fancy websites where the CORRECT lyrics are right there within seconds of you inquiring what they might be.  I lived in the Stone Ages.  You kids don’t know how good you got it!  

 

Because, Mr. Martin L. Gore, you see me.  How did you put into words so perfectly what I deal with in life?  Because you are a lyrical genius Mr. Gore.  I seem to be on a mission to hold the world record in legal name changes, so maybe I become Jennifer Gore.  Jennifer Gore Elfman Joseph.  Do I hyphenate?  Maybe.  That decision can wait until I go before a judge to explain the reason for the legal name change. 

 

I have made great strides at self-awareness and self-improvement.  I was diagnosed with ADHD in 2016 and was told by more than one provider they felt I was on the Autistic spectrum.  I freaked out.  I bounced around from health professional to health professional desperately trying to find a new diagnosis.  Why?  Because The. Stigma. Is. Real.  

 

But I lost my last fuck on my 50th birthday.  It flew away and I do not know where it went.  Behold, My Field of Fucks.  Lay Thine Eyes Upon It and You Shall See That It Is Barren!!!!!  And the freedom that has come from that is intoxicating.  I had heard the ancestors speak of a time in which you just do not care and it is truly glorious.  

 

And with that last fuck disappearing, that mask is off.  50 years of masking is EXHAUSTING.  I am so glad to be done with that.  Time to emerge from the shadows.  Maybe that’s why I was Goth for so long.  

 

So, I will acknowledge that I can be off-putting.  I can be too much.  I can be a jerk.  But, I can also be a fucking delight.  With the cute little combo of ADHD and the Tism, I am fucking hilarious in between meltdowns. I love me.  But as I have come to learn with the contradictory nature of Autism and ADHD, I hate me too.  The constant internal tug of war is frustrating.

 

Looking back on my some of my issues and I am such a cliché.  Daddy issues.  My father was a raging narcissist.  Maybe still is.  I wouldn’t know.  He cut me off in 2018.  Disowned.  

 

Am I an asshole too?  Absolutely.  Were there things about the way I behaved that in retrospect, were not the best?  Yep.  But your parents are supposed to love you unconditionally.  And if you don’t ever know what unconditional love is, how are you supposed to know what that feels like from future partners?  How do you know what it SHOULD look like?  

 

I would like to stop here and state that my Mother is great.  We have had our issues, but she is an amazing Mom and an even better Grandma.  But as is evident, the father-daughter relationship is pivotal in terms of what that girl will look for in a romantic partner.  

 

After breaking up with my high school boyfriend because he wasn’t the narcissist my father way I ended up with my first husband.  As narcissistic as the day is long.  And I find it fascinating, my father LOVES this douchebag.  So much so that when I divorced this man because of years of psychological abuse, he opted to dump me as a daughter so he could keep the son he always wanted.  

 

Talk about fucking with your head.  How can a father choose someone over his own daughter?  And if this man cannot love his own daughter over the man that she has explained was very abusive, what does that say about this woman?  Who is she?  How bad is she if her own father doesn’t want her?  What kind of scum must she be if her own father has opted to tell her to fuck off so he can maintain the kind of relationship he wants to have with his daughter’s abuser.   

 

Am I perfect?  Nope.  Can I be an absolute twat sometimes?  Affirmative.  But that shouldn’t matter when it comes to being loved by your parents.  You hear all the time about Serial Killers that are still loved by their parents.  They do not agree with the actions of their offspring but they still love them because of Unconditional Love.  

 

Since I opted to do a hard reset on my life on January 7th, 2026 I have begun my apology tour.  Coming soon to a town near you.  Meet and greets are available.  Reach out to get put on the calendar!  

 

I sent an apology message to my younger sister.  I do not have her phone number so I slide into her DMs on Facebook.  I had unfriended her in 2021 because I felt she wasn’t supportive of my attempt to tell her about the abuse I was experiencing in my second marriage.  I felt she should have been more supportive and I was the asshole here.  I did give her my phone number in the event she wanted to text me but I haven’t heard anything.  

 

She is apparently very busy with her two girls and a job at a preschool.  I get that completely.  Mom Life is THE BEST but it is exhausting.  Not everyone gets to retire at 50.  She has a 12 year old and a first grader I believe.  I have never met the youngest.  It makes me sad.  

 

My sister and I have had a difficult relationship.  Is it linked to undiagnosed AuDHD?  Most likely.  But looking back on my overall disaster of a childhood, I loved our time together.  We used to play house in our backyard playhouse and we would be Moms together.  Our Cabbage Patch Dolls stood as placeholders for the kids we would one day have.  

 

As I had dreamed of a life that included a marriage to my high school boyfriend that would absolutely produce 2-3 children, my sister would be there.  Raising her kids with me raising mine.  We would help each other with babysitting and advice on All things motherhood.  The village it takes to raise a child would include her as my co-captain.  

 

While we are only 2.5 years apart, things with the ages of our children did not line up.  When I had my son in 2004 she was working at a dry cleaner in Brea and when I had to go back to work part-time and didn’t want to leave him in day care, she offered to come over to my house in Irvine once per week to babysit him.  

 

She was a great Aunt.  Likely still is.  She loved my kids like they were her own, even though she didn’t have kids yet.  When we moved to Arizona when my son was 18 months old so I could become a Stay at Home Mom and we could have a lower cost of living, it was hard for her.  It was hard for my son.  They had a special bond.  She came out with my Mom for my 30th birthday a couple months after I had moved to Goodyear and I can still vividly see the picture of my sister and her nephew hugging.  The looks of contentment and joy on both of their faces.  

 

She did end up moving to Goodyear with her husband and is raising her daughters there.  I hope they are doing well.  I hope she is enjoying this time because the days are long but the years are short.  

 

But I wish I could be there.  I wish I could fulfill that childhood dream of being the crazy aunt.  I joked with my Mom how much I would love to be the crazy aunt.  My aunt on my Mom’s side is so kind and gives the most off the wall gifts.  The thought she puts behind these gifts is so wild.  It shows she was thinking of you specifically on her jaunts around town.  

 

I was fortunate enough to find a kindred spirit when I returned to the Blue Bayou as a Cast Member in 2022.  My soul sister.  She quickly adopted me as her younger sister.  I have found the older sister I always wanted.  Because blood does not make you family.  And it almost means more because she chose me.  She went to the shelter and picked herself out an abandoned Old Bitch.  

 

And she has two amazing daughters who are around the same ages of my children.  I love them as nieces and I was in tears for two reasons when the eldest was in a bad car accident a year and a half ago.  I worked in insurance claims for years so I offered to help take point getting them through the nightmare that is an auto insurance claim.  And in order to make it easier for me to talk to the adjusters I was introduced as Aunt Jenni.  I was already feeling very bulldog protective about her but this only amplified things because names matter.  Words matter.  

 

I am fortunate to be an Aunt, but I miss being an Aunt to my younger sister’s daughters.  I am hopeful that maybe one day we can have a better relationship.  I will remain optimistic that the repairs to this fractured relationship can be completed if given enough time.

 

Because even though my biological father does not have any Unconditional Love for me, I do have it for others.  I am not the narcissist he is.  I still love my sister and would love nothing more than for the issues we have had in the past be water under the bridge.  And I would love to walk over that bridge with her to a land of our childhood play.  The fantasy lives we played out so many times.  

 

Because who says Happy Endings don’t exist?  (Besides my current husband.) I will choose to remain optimistic that someday not only will my prince come (I did get that one back) but I will get to be that crazy Aunt too.  Because crazy socks with my nieces’ faces on them aren’t going to buy themselves.  

 

 

Shake the Disease – Depeche Mode (lyrics by Martin L. Gore)

I'm not going down on my knees
Begging you to adore me
Can't you see it's misery
And torture for me
When I'm misunderstood
Try as hard as you can
I've tried as hard as I could
To make you see
How important it is for me

Here is a plea
From my heart to you
Nobody knows me
As well as you do
You know how hard it is for me
To shake the disease
That takes hold of my tongue
In situations like these

Understand me

Understand me

Understand me

Understand me

Some people have to be
Permanently together
Lovers devoted
To each other forever
Now I've got things to do
And I've said before
That I know you have too
When I'm not there
In spirit I'll be there

Here is a plea
From my heart to you
Nobody knows me
As well as you do
You know how hard it is for me
To shake the disease
That takes hold of my tongue
In situations like these

Understand me

Understand me

Understand me

Understand me

Here is a plea
From my heart to you
Nobody knows me
As well as you do
You know how hard it is for me
To shake the disease
That takes hold of my tongue
In situations like these

Here is a plea
From my heart to you
Nobody knows me
As well as you do
You know how hard it is for me
To shake the disease
That takes hold of my tongue
In situations like these

Here is a plea
From my heart to you
Nobody knows me
As well as you do
You know how hard it is for me
To shake the disease
That takes hold of my tongue
In situations like these