I'm the Problem by Morgan Wallen

 

I have always used music as a way to express my feelings.  The lyrics of certain songs resonate within me and it creates a visceral feeling.  Countless times I have posted songs or random lyric selections on Facebook in somewhat of a Vaguebooking way.  One thing I love about Facebook is the memory feature as it allows me to look back on where I had been in years prior.  I can look back and reflect on my feelings at the time.  

My current husband shares part of this love for music and has also done the same thing with his musical Vaguebooking.  He posted this song and I got pretty fired up about it.  Mainly because his brother had to chime in regarding something he knows nothing about.  Very on brand.  He said:

”No, that song is not you You ate (sp) not the problem look at it the other way and see the (sp) she is the problem and that doesn’t mean you are the reason she is the problem either….she is just the problem….period”

First off, my husband and I have been together for around 10 years and for the majority of that time he has been estranged from his family.  And during the times he was in contact with them, it was very limited.  They do not know me.  And while I appreciate that family should always back family, it’s important to try to stay objective about things.  You can be there for someone without commenting about something you know nothing about.  But I digress.

 

You say I'll never change

I'm just a go around town with some gasoline

Just tryin' to bum a flame

Gonna burn the whole place down

And how do you explain

Ever fallin' in love with a guy like me in the first place?

My husband and I got together very quickly.  We moved in together 6 months after we started dating.  I thought we knew each other well enough at the time, but in retrospect, we did not.  We both had issues that the other had no clue about.  

 

Then turn around say that I'm the worst thing

I guess I'm the problem

And you're Miss Never do no wrong

If I'm so awful

Then why'd you stick around this long?

 

I could go on and on about why I stayed, but it really comes down to this….the trauma bond.  While I did love him, the main reason I stayed for so long was the co-dependency.  I felt I had to stay to help him.  I could help fix him.  If only I did more, if only I tried harder, if only I was perfect, if only, if only, if only….

But you can’t change someone.  And you certainly cannot help them at the expense of your sanity.  And that is what happened.  It took a toll on my mental health and I couldn’t do it anymore.  Never once did I say he was a bad man.  But there is a significant amount of mental illness involved and with my own neurodiversity, I just couldn’t anymore.  As the divorce papers cite, “Irreconcilable Differences.”

 

And if it's the whiskey

Then why you keep on pullin' it off the shelf?

 

Yes, unfortunately enabling is a thing.  I wanted to make him happy and if that was alcohol, so be it.  If that was sugar (even with him being pre-diabetic) so be it.  I know now that enabling is not love.  In fact, it’s the exact opposite.  If you love someone, you should help them be the best version of themselves.  As I was ironically told so often by him, “tough love” is important.

You hate that when you look at me, you halfway see yourself

In a way, yes.  I have always thought my neurodiversity was mental illness.  And while this is technically true, it isn’t the same thing as the mental illness that my husband struggles with.  But it does impact how I deal with people and the world.  I have always felt ashamed of this.  I was diagnosed with ADHD and autism in 2016 and kept quiet for years.  I was embarrassed.  But, I feel that there have been great strides in terms of the lessening stigma. Add that hitting the milestone birthday of 50 and not really caring what people think anymore and it has been a very freeing experience.  

And it got me thinkin'

If I'm the problem

You might be the reason

Try to go our separate ways

We're back and forth like a swingin' door

And tomorrow's like yesterday

Some days better than the night before

And you're back with me again

 

Lots of bad things came to a head in July of 2021.  I attempted to file for divorce but in the end decided to try to make it work.  And tried we did.  Contrary to what he may believe, I tried so hard.  But I could not get past the resentment of things that had happened.  I kept bringing it up in fights.  I did things as well that I am not proud of.  He kept bringing this up as well.  It just kept snowballing and all that was left was anger and bitterness on both sides.  

 

Then you go and tell your friends

That I'm the problem

And you're Miss Never do no wrong

If I'm so awful

Then why'd you stick around this long

And if it's the whiskey

Then why you keep on pullin' it off the shelf?

You hate that when you look at me, you halfway see yourself

And it got me thinkin'

If I'm the problem

You might be the reason

If I'm such a waste of breath

Such a waste of time

Then why you on your way to waste another Friday night?

If I'm the problem

And you're Miss Never do no wrong

If I'm so awful

Then why'd you stick around this long

And if it's the whiskey

Then why you keep on pullin' it off the shelf?

You hate that when you look at me, you halfway see yourself

And it got me thinkin'

If I'm the problem

You might be the reason

Songwriters: Ryan Vojtesak / Morgan Wallen / Ernest Keith Smith / Jamie Mclaughlin / Grady Block

 

So I will go back to my husband’s brother’s stupid comment.  No, I am not the problem.  But neither is my husband.  This just didn’t work out as much as we both wanted it to.  Mistakes were made on both sides and it is my hope that he is able to move on and work on himself.  And one day I hope he can find a healthy relationship.  I know I feel I am finally moving in that direction.  One day I hope he can find the happiness I have found.