Fake You Out by Twenty One Pilots

Fake You Out by Twenty One Pilots (lyrics by Tyler Joseph)

I was looking for songs that would be appropriate for Neurodiversity Week, and this one came up as an option. After reading through the lyrics, it really does seem to capture what I’ve experienced with masking. I’ve spent the better part of the last 50 years masking, and it has been beyond exhausting. And I. Am. Done. I am who I am — take it or leave it.

I want to drive away

In the night, headlights call my name

I, I'll never be, be what you see inside

 This line makes me think of masking — though for me, it’s more that I’ll never be what you see on the outside. I’ve always struggled to relate to people, and high school was especially brutal. The need to fit in was overwhelming, and I had no idea how to do it. So what was an undiagnosed girl with AuDHD supposed to do? Mask, of course. I didn’t even know there was a word for what I was doing until recently. But with this new label came a kind of freedom — the freedom to break out of the shell I built and finally be myself. Unapologetically.

You say I'm not alone, but I am petrified

 While I often pretend I don’t care anymore, that isn’t entirely true. I am petrified of how I’m perceived — by some people, anyway. The fear of rejection can be crippling.

This has been especially clear in my recent rekindling of a relationship with my high school boyfriend. We dated for 3.5 years, from the start of my freshman year to the end of my senior year. And while he probably knows me better than anyone else, there is still so much he doesn’t know. He’ll mention not remembering certain things from when we were together 32 years ago, and while I have absolutely changed because of time and trauma, I also spent that entire time masking. I didn’t want him to know I was a “freak.”

He recently had the misfortune of seeing how I handle lines at amusement parks. I can go full spaz, and it’s hard. Don’t get me started on Disney’s new way of making things even harder for the disabled community. He said he didn’t remember this from our time together — even last year when we went to an amusement park. And while the lines we went in were short and therefore not a huge issue, I was also still masking quite a bit. And it was absolutely exhausting.

You say that you are close, is close the closest star?

You just feel twice as far, you just feel twice as far

There is so much more of me that feels unsafe to expose. I’ve found myself trying to dial it back around him specifically. I’ve felt bad for who I am and how I interact with the world. I know he didn’t mean it that way, but I felt judged for wiring I cannot change. So if I feel this way with someone who claims to love me, what does that mean for the general public?

 And I'll fall

And I'll break

And I'll fake

All I wanna

And I'll fall down
And I'll break down

And I'll fake
All I wanna

I'm so afraid

Of what you have to say
Cause I am quiet now

And silence gives you space
I'll never be, be what you see inside
You say I'm not alone, but I am petrified

You say that you are close, is close the closest star?
You just feel twice as far, you just feel twice as far
And I'll fall
And I'll break

And I'll fake
All I wanna
And I'll fall down
And I'll break down

And I'll fake
All I wanna

It's the same game today as it always is
I don't give these places fake my name explaining this
And the wrists of my mind have the bleeding lines
That remind me of all the times
I have committed
Dirty dirty crimes that are perfectly form-fitted
To what I've done and what I'm doing
I'm brewing and losing and spewing infusing
And believe me that's what all the kids are doing
What kids are doing are killing themselves
They feel they have no control of their prisoner's cell
And if you're one of them then you're one of me
And you would do almost anything just to feel free...

Do anything just to feel free… even ending it all? At times, absolutely — it felt like the only way out.

 

Am I right? Of course I am

Convince me otherwise would take all night

Before you walk away, there's one more thing I want to say
Our brains are sick but that's okay

And I'll fall

And I'll break
And I'll fake
All I wanna
All I wanna
Yeah, and I'll fall down

And I'll break down
And I'll fake you out
All I wanna
Yeah, and I'll fall down
And I'll break down
And I'll fake you out
All I wanna
I'm so afraid
Of what you have to say
Cause I am quiet now
And silence gives you space

And silence gives you space indeed. I’m fully aware that I come with a lot of noise these days. But I will no longer be quiet.