Anti Hero by Taylor Swift

 Anti Hero by Taylor Swift


As controversial as this may be, I love Taylor Swift.  I realize she is very pop-y and very in, but I feel her lyrics are solid.  Mostly.  This song really felt relatable.  As I’ve touched on before, I have always felt off.  I have had a great deal of trouble interacting with others.  I’ve never understood why.  I just wanted to fit in.

I’ve been on a long journey of self-discovery.  I’ve said more than once to my partner that I am painfully self-aware.  But it’s taken me decades to get to this point. 

I have this thing where I get older but just never wiser

Midnights become my afternoons

When my depression works the graveyard shift

All of the people I've ghosted stand there in the room

 

I recently saw a Tik Tok about ADHD folks and one sided friendships, this hit me hard.  I have always felt that there have been several instances where I am the only one putting in any effort.  I will try and try to connect with friends and it feels as if I would never hear from them if I wasn’t the one to reach out first.  So after a period of time, I give up.  I get sad and decide to back away.  I’m not sure why this is.  Are there just certain people that are more reactive than proactive?  Maybe.  Am I just too much for people?  That is more likely, 

I should not be left to my own devices

They come with prices and vices

I end up in crisis (tale as old as time)

I wake up screaming from dreaming

One day, I'll watch as you're leaving

'Cause you got tired of my scheming

 

Not from scheming per se, but lately I have been very concerned that my happy ending will come crashing down.  Things have been too perfect.  This is not how my life works out.  At least if the past 50 years are any evidence.  Things will seem great for a time and then crash and burn in fantastical style.

My partner has been wondering for weeks now why we have fallen into a certain pattern.  And it only came to me yesterday as the likely reason for this.  We will have 2-3 days of blissful domestic life followed by an argument.  I blew him off.  But after the most recent altercation it got me thinking.  

Why?  Then I realized with horror what was going on.  While certain things he does is definitely not ok, and his tone is questionable. It’s me. Hi.  I’m the problem, it’s me.  My nervous system cannot handle a few days of happiness without automatically assuming things will go to shit. Fair enough.  History has taught me that it will always go to shit.  The calm before the storm.

So, my subconscious has been looking for issues.  I seem to go into hyper-alertness and I look for the cons.  Things cannot be this amazing.  Where’s the downside?  Oh, there isn’t one?  Well, let’s create one!!!  Insert an offhanded remark that wouldn’t bother a normal person.  And…it’s showtime!  Again, not to say that what he is saying or how he is saying it is ok, but if I wasn’t traumatized I likely would not have taken the disagreement to a 10.  The punishment certainly didn’t match the crime.  

(For the last time)

It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me

At tea time, everybody agrees

I'll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror

 

So yeah, for many, many years I would stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror.  I would always do internal reflection, but I never really correlated how I may be the problem.  It wasn’t until my estrangement from 99% of my family caused me to look inward.  It cannot be all of them.  I had to look objectively at the situation.  What was the common denominator?  It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me. 

It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero

Sometimes I feel like everybody is a sexy baby

And I'm a monster on the hill

Too big to hang out, slowly lurching toward your favorite city

Pierced through the heart, but never killed

Did you hear my covert narcissism I disguise as altruism

Like some kind of congressman? (Tale as old as time)

I wake up screaming from dreaming

One day, I'll watch as you're leaving

And life will lose all its meaning

(For the last time)

It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me (I'm the problem, it's me)

At tea time, everybody agrees

I'll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror

It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero

I have this dream my daughter in-law kills me for the money

She thinks I left them in the will

The family gathers 'round and reads it and then someone screams out

"She's laughing up at us from hell"

It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me

It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me

It's me, hi, everybody agrees, everybody agrees

It's me, hi (hi), I'm the problem, it's me (I'm the problem, it's me)

At tea (tea) time (time), everybody agrees (everybody agrees)

I'll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror

It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero

Songwriters: Jack Michael Antonoff / Taylor Alison Swift

 

So now, I think I am happy with being the Anti Hero.  I am imperfect and that is ok.  And for all that do not appreciate my bluntness and my over the topness, that is ok.  I have come to realize I am very polarizing.  You either love me or hate me.  And that is fine.  As I’ve said before, with me, you have to take the good with the bad.  And I finally feel that I am worth it.  

 

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